Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Please don't give away my fajitas
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
