I just made out with a guy for $7.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
