After last night, I could never be a politician.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
