God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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