I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
