Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
