sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
