am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
