Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Houston, we have a blender
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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