and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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