My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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