I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
