I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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