before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
