my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
we should paint friendship bongs
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
