You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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