I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
