There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
