You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
