As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
