im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
