I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
