I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So squirting runs in the family.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
