His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
