so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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