stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
