Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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