umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
