We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
