I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
