I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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