i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
