the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dear god my vagina.
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