Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
