Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
