Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
