What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
