thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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