He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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