you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
