is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
