***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
