She is in my trunk
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
