I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Is it because I queefed?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
