My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
