I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
