If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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