Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
