Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it glows. i had to have it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
