I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
