theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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