I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
