i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I miss vodka workout Fridays
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
