i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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