Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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